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THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT

The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture.

It's part adaptation, part commentary, and 100% not for people who take the Bible too seriously. It shares just as much DNA with animated shows like South Park, Rick and Morty, and Archer as it does with the Old Testament.

Whether or not you believe it actually happened, the Bible is a fascinating story, full of great characters, epic battles and incredible journeys. There's sex, there's love, there's betrayal, there's revenge. All that without any of the "sayeth's" or "unto's" or "thou's" that might have scared you off last time.

You're already familiar with its most famous characters - Noah, Moses, David and Goliath. Why not get to know Joshua, Elijah and Judah Maccabee? Seriously, some of the most badass heroes in literature can be found right there in the Old Testament.

So if you've always had a passing interest in the Bible but found the language to be way too dense, The New Old Testament has gone ahead and stripped out anything non-essential, keeping only the best, filthiest, most brutally horrifying parts. Especially the parts they leave out in church.

It breaks down the Bible into fun, bite-sized chunks that you can read anywhere, anytime. This isn't high art that demands to be read in a leather-bound tome. It's designed to be read on your phone while you're waiting in line at the grocery store, while you're riding the bus, while you're in bed checking Twitter. Hell, you can even read it in church if you feel like it.

For a fast-flowing, faithfully unfaithful, reverently irreverent, humbly boastful re-imagining of the Bible, download the current season by signing up here.

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NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Hi,

It's me. The author.

Just wanted to duck in and explain a bit more about what my intention is here. As explained above, The New Old Testament is a satirical adaption of the Bible for a modern audience.


It's embellished, it's exaggerated - just like a drunk guy telling a story. Some parts are left out, others are made up, but mostly, the train stays pretty squarely on the tracks, at least on a macro-level. It has to - otherwise I'll just venture off into straight up fan fiction (which I'm not explicitly ruling out either).


As with the source material, The  New Old Testament starts with Genesis and will eventually go all the way through to Revelations.

I know, I know... It's going to take me a long time, but nothing good ever happened overnight.

Now, the series has got a lot of swearing, a lot of violence and a lot of sex, so if that isn't your cup of tea, here's a link for some cute dog videos. If it is your cup of tea, then read on...

I'm going to release weekly 'episodes' (short stories of a few thousand words) and periodically group them into novel-length bundles, or 'seasons', which will correspond to books in the Bible (Genesis, Exodus etc). So, yeah, kind of like a TV show.

At each season is completed, I will take down all individual episodes from that season. I'll keep the episodes free while I'm writing that season, but when the complete season is released, it will have a price tag (probably around $4.99).

Now that that's all out of the way, let's move on...

Even if you're familiar with the Bible, you might not get exactly what you expect in this series - but I'm willing to bet that's what you'll like about it. I try to stay in line with the themes, characters and stories from the Old Testament, which is what drew me to the book in the first place.

That being said, I do enjoy being able to take some creative licence where I need (or want) to in order to make the story tighter, funnier, more relevant to a modern audience. I've said it before and I'll say it again - even if you don't believe what they say happened in the Bible actually happened, it's still a great story.

A little like Lord of the Rings.

But instead of Hobbits, you've got Israelites. Instead of Orcs, you've got Philistines. Instead of Middle Earth, you've got the Promised Land.

Sound good?

Get started on the current season here.



By the way, I also write a fantasy series that has a Biblical, ancient-world feel and deals with a lot of the same themes. You can check out the books below if you're interested. Click here to find out more.


PODCAST

If you prefer to 'read' while on the move, The New Old Testament podcast takes the text episodes and turns them into 'audiobooklets' you can listen to on your morning commute, while you're mowing the lawn or working out. Each episode is narrated by a robot named David, because the author can't act worth a damn or afford a proper narrator. His voice remains charmingly monotone even as he's saying some of the most terrible things imaginable.

Subscribe here or search The New Old Testament in your podcast player of choice.

RSS feed: https://anchor.fm/s/3780d68/podcast/rss


BOOKS

Season 1: Genesis

What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth?

At first, nothing. Everything's going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that's when things start to unravel. Say hello to God as you've never seen him before - an egomaniacal, foul-mouthed alcoholic.

PANTHEON SERIES

Prequel short story: Buried in the Sky

The people of the Zend don't bury their dead, nor do they burn them. What they do instead is build towers...

When a lonely corpse bearer sees soldiers on the horizon, he knows his ancient way of life is over. His country is about to fall victim to an empire on the rise. An empire with a terrible, secret power that will set the events of The Fire and the Forge in motion.

ONLINE STORES: AMAZON | KOBO | iBOOKS | NOOK | OTHER

Book #1: The Fire and the Forge

Would you rather be the conquered or the conqueror?

In a world where cruel gods pull the strings of mortals and people wield the power of the elements, Imharak is forced to flee his home in the wake of an invasion and soon finds himself at the crux of the coming war.

ONLINE STORES: AMAZON | PAPERBACK | KOBO | iBOOKS | NOOK | OTHER

Book #2: To Kill a King

Could you kill the person you loved most to save your people?

When Asherah is faced with the extinction of her people, she will travel north into the mountains, seeking out an old friend who is now king. But it isn't a friendly reunion she's looking for. Asherah's made a deal with the god of the underworld to save her people, and the price of that deal is the king's head.

ONLINE STORES: AMAZON | PAPERBACK | KOBO | iBOOKS | NOOK | OTHER

OTHER BOOKS

Jasper Flint and the Dinosaur Saddle

What does it feel like to ride a dinosaur? Jasper Flint is about to find out...

When a sixteen-year-old boy discovers a super-ancient civilisation who lived alongside the dinosaurs, he is thrust on a time-bending quest through history to save the world.

ONLINE STORES: AMAZON | PAPERBACK | KOBO | iBOOKS | NOOK | OTHER

Mercy Killing (novella)

After suffering a horrible tragedy, hitman Jules Hallenbeck goes on the run, and Del Copeland is sent after him.

Del's a cop, but he's not about to bring Jules in. He's indebted to a mobster who wants Jules dead, and it'll be up to Del to pull the trigger.

ONLINE STORES: AMAZON | KOBO | iBOOKS | NOOK | OTHER

Vendetta

Could you spare the man who murdered your father?

Over the course of a summer, Daniel and Noah befriend one another, then are separated under mysterious circumstances.

Years later, they discover this is because Daniel's father murdered Noah's, setting the childhood friends on a collision course, with Noah bent on revenge.

ONLINE STORES: AMAZON | PAPERBACK | KOBO | iBOOKS | NOOK | OTHER


AUTHOR BIO

Jack was born and raised in Melbourne, Australia. He lives on coffee and podcasts, and likes to believe that if there is a God, he's got a sense of humour.

If the very thought of that made you tense up, then this probably isn't the book for you. If, on the other hand, you found yourself smiling - or at the very least, raising an eyebrow - you just might be in the right place.

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CONTACT

You can contact me directly at jack@jackgeurts.com. I read and respond to all messages personally. Otherwise, you can find me in the Facebook group, on Messenger, or on Bookbub. I'll also be posting all episodes to Wattpad, if that's more your thing.