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THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT

The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture.

It's part adaptation, part commentary, and 100% not for people who take the Bible too seriously. It shares just as much DNA with animated shows like South Park, Rick and Morty, and Archer as it does with the Old Testament.

Whether or not you believe it actually happened, the Bible is a fascinating story, full of great characters, epic battles and incredible journeys. There's sex, there's love, there's betrayal, there's revenge. All that without any of the "sayeth's" or "unto's" or "thou's" that might have scared you off last time.

You're already familiar with its most famous characters - Noah, Moses, David and Goliath. Why not get to know Joshua, Elijah and Judah Maccabee? Seriously, some of the most badass heroes in literature can be found right there in the Old Testament.

So if you've always had a passing interest in the Bible but found the language to be way too dense, The New Old Testament has gone ahead and stripped out anything non-essential, keeping only the best, filthiest, most brutally horrifying parts. Especially the parts they leave out in church.

It breaks down the Bible into fun, bite-sized chunks that you can read anywhere, anytime. This isn't high art that demands to be read in a leather-bound tome. It's designed to be read on your phone while you're waiting in line at the grocery store, while you're riding the bus, while you're in bed checking Twitter. Hell, you can even read it in church if you feel like it.

For a fast-flowing, faithfully unfaithful, reverently irreverent, humbly boastful re-imagining of the Bible, check out the current season here.


BOOKS

Available for individual purchase below. Or... save over 60% by getting them all in one donation tier at Patreon.

Season 1: Genesis

What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth?

At first, nothing. Everything's going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that's when things start to unravel. Say hello to God as you've never seen him before - an egomaniacal, foul-mouthed alcoholic.

EBOOK | HARDCOVER | ACCESS THROUGH PATREON

Season 2: Exodus

synopsis coming soon...

EBOOK

PANTHEON SERIES

For more info/maps, click here.

Prequel short story: Buried in the Sky

The people of the Zend don't bury their dead, nor do they burn them. What they do instead is build towers...

When a lonely corpse bearer sees soldiers on the horizon, he knows his ancient way of life is over. His country is about to fall victim to an empire on the rise. An empire with a terrible, secret power that will set the events of The Fire and the Forge in motion.

EBOOK | ACCESS THROUGH PATREON

Book #1: The Fire and the Forge

Would you rather be the conquered or the conqueror?

In a world where cruel gods pull the strings of mortals and people wield the power of the elements, Imharak is forced to flee his home in the wake of an invasion and soon finds himself at the crux of the coming war.

EBOOK | HARDCOVER | ACCESS THROUGH PATREON

Book #2: To Kill a King

Could you kill the person you loved most to save your people?

When Asherah is faced with the extinction of her people, she will travel north into the mountains, seeking out an old friend who is now king. But it isn't a friendly reunion she's looking for. Asherah's made a deal with the god of the underworld to save her people, and the price of that deal is the king's head.

EBOOK | HARDCOVER | ACCESS THROUGH PATREON

OTHER BOOKS

Jasper Flint and the Dinosaur Saddle

What does it feel like to ride a dinosaur? Jasper Flint is about to find out...

When a sixteen-year-old boy discovers a super-ancient civilisation who lived alongside the dinosaurs, he is thrust on a time-bending quest through history to save the world.

EBOOK | HARDCOVER | ACCESS THROUGH PATREON

Mercy Killing (novella)

After suffering a horrible tragedy, hitman Jules Hallenbeck goes on the run, and Del Copeland is sent after him.

Del's a cop, but he's not about to bring Jules in. He's indebted to a mobster who wants Jules dead, and it'll be up to Del to pull the trigger.

EBOOK | ACCESS THROUGH PATREON

Vendetta

Could you spare the man who murdered your father?

Over the course of a summer in the 1970s, Daniel and Noah befriend one another, then are separated under mysterious circumstances.

Years later, they discover this is because Daniel's father murdered Noah's, setting the childhood friends on a collision course, with Noah bent on revenge.

EBOOK | HARDCOVER | ACCESS THROUGH PATREON


MERCH

coming soon...


AUTHOR BIO

Jack was born and raised in Melbourne, Australia. He lives on coffee and podcasts, and likes to believe that if there is a God, he's got a sense of humour.

If the very thought of that made you tense up, then this probably isn't the book for you. If, on the other hand, you found yourself smiling - or at the very least, raising an eyebrow - you just might be in the right place.

All of his books are now available exclusively through this website and his Patreon. You'll probably come across an old author profile of his on Amazon, Goodreads or Smashwords. You may even come across some old Tweets or Facebook posts. Those accounts have been deleted and his sole focus is now on Patreon and his mailing list.

Speaking of...

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CONTACT

You can contact Jack directly at jack@jackgeurts.com. He reads and responds to all messages personally. Otherwise, you can support him on Patreon or follow him on Wattpad.